The battlefield of my mind

Has your life every felt like, well...

a battlefield??

I have been beat down, dragged out, and left for dead emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I'm sure we have all had these moments where it just seems easier to search for a white flag of surrender rather than muster up the strength to fight the enemy -- whatever that enemy may be. I'd like to share one battle that I have struggled with for several years. One that I am just NOW getting off my lazy and nervous rump to fight head on.

My war story began long before I even knew I was in battle. I grew up in a Christian home with a wonderful family. Even better, I was a PK (pastor's kid) with two huge passions: God and music.

As a child and even as a teenager, I was innocent yet knowledgeable, fearless yet anxious, and humble yet prideful. Life had not really HAPPENED to me yet, so in my own little mind, I thought nothing could touch me. Nothing could get between me and my relationship with God.

Even better, NOTHING could get between me and my music. I loved and did it all. Singing, piano, drums, trumpet, guitar. Give me some maracas or a tambourine, and I was happy. While other girls wrote in their diaries putting hearts around the initials of that week's crush, I wrote songs and read my Bible. Not that I didn't write in a diary and gush about a cute boy now and then, but it wasn't something I focused on. My life dream was to be involved with music... somehow.

Every chance I got, I participated in leading children's church worship or even the adult church praise band. I played at piano recitals, sang at music competitions and talent shows, performed in front of audience after audience. It was the ONE thing I was meant for in life. The only thing I was confident about. God gave me a talent, and I was unashamed and fearless.

In high school, one of my very best friends and her father invited me to start a Southern Gospel trio with them. I was on cloud TEN. We had a tour bus, great music, harmony, and "gigs"... it was a dream come true! I was gone almost every weekend on the road. As a junior and senior in high school, I still thought nothing would get between me, God, and my music!

In February of 2005, circumstances arose that led to me leaving the trio. It was then that I slowly backed away from not only music, but my relationship with God. I started to lose faith in people. Little did I know that I was experiencing LIFE. I was no longer sheltered in my parents' loving arms nor the comfort of church.

The war in my mind became apparent to me during that time. The one battle lasted for SIX long years. I have been asked to sing at weddings, for church, and just for fun. I politely declined all requests. My reasons?

I'm not as good as so and so.

I'll get too nervous and puke all over the place. 

And as years went by... 

It's been so long, I don't know if I have IT anymore. 

This summer, I went to South Carolina to participate in Salkehatchie Summer Service Camp. I have done so for the last three years and have had an amazing time every year. But this year was different. Josh mentioned to Frankie Kelley (who led worship that week) that I used to sing. Frankie immediately asked me to help him out that evening. I almost refused, but something was different. I actually felt excited! I hadn't felt that excitement in over six years!

I was "mute" for so long. And at an instant, I was free to sing again. It was an amazing step!

Now I am singing in the choir at our church in Atlanta, and I am loving every minute of it. The typical thoughts came into my mind last week before Sunday's worship service...

You're going to faint in the middle of singing.

You'll be in the middle AND in the front... what if you feel sick?

You're not as good as the others.

I pushed through for GOD and myself. I believe God allowed those six years to happen in order for my own personal AND spiritual growth. And I now feel...  

free!

Love, peace, and FREEDOM,

Jenna J.